Hanging's Too Good For Him - British Writer Translates Shakespeare to Chav "Yoofspeak"

Shakespeare has been re-interpreted and re-written from Bowdler's attempts at removing everything unsuitable for women and children to West Side Story. Today's homage to the immortal reputation of the Bard comes from British writer Martin Baums courtesy of the Daily Mail. He has translated fifteen of the plays into the dialect of lower-class London.

Romeo and his Fit Bitch Jools

Verona was de turf of de feuding Montagues and de Capulet families. And coz they was always brawling and stuff, de Prince of Verona told them to cool it or else they was gonna get well mashed if they carried on larging it with each other. Meanwhile, whilst all dis was going on, Romeo, from de Montague posse, had become all jiggy jiggy with de Rosaline bitch who was de niece of de Capulet massive. But never ready to settle with just de one bitch, Romeo and his boyz disguised demselves and crashed de Capulet turf where dere was de masked ball going down, and that was when he saw de well fit Capulet’s daughta, Jools.

Amlet, Prince of Denmark

Dere was somefing minging in de State of Denmark which was making Amlet all uncool. First, his Uncle Claudius had married his muvva, de main bitch Queen Gertrude. Then de Norwegian Fortinbras massive was freatening to invade de Danish turf and finally, and quite unexpectedly, de rank ghost of his nutty farva was spooking de crap out of him. De minging ghost told Amlet he was poisoned by Claudius and wanted him to do somefing about it. Amlet said “Aiii,” and reckoned de best way was to pretend to go all loony toons to make everyone fink he was barking, including Ophelia, de fit bitch he wanted to be all jiggy jiggy with.

That high-pitched whirring sound you hear is coming from the crypts in Trinity Church, Stratford-on-Avon.